Hilarious Facebook Status

→ That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you`re shopping, and when you`re almost near the cashier, they`re not even back yet. → I like turtles because they`re so chill. They don`t hurt anyone. They`re just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I`m gonna take my time getting there, I`m not in a rush. Because I`m a turtle." → I did it on my bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession. ;) → Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling. → Is it strange if I ask my ex if I could use her as a reference on my resume for a new girlfriend? → Gravity... The only thing that can keep me down :) → Theres a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos. :) → When life gives you ORANGES, stand on top of a tall building, and throw them at people. It`s fun :D → Einstein: Genius mind. Galileo: Great mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: NEVERMIND. → The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it`s still on the list. :) → Don`t worry, ``There`s plenty of other fish in the sea.`` That`s great news, for my goldfish. But wtf am I supposed to do? → 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ツ → That awkward moment when someone knocks on the bathroom door.! → A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!!" → Staring at a text for fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to respond. → The awkwardness when you still cant understand someone after they`ve repeated themselves about 4 times. → A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. → Things people say when a movie finishes in the theaters. 5% I can`t wait for the sequel. 5% that was great acting. 90% I gotta pee. → If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score? → If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost. → Home is where you can say anything you like `cause nobody listens to you anyway ;) → I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well thats what M.O.M stands for" → *NEW TXT MSG*:hey.whats up? REPLY: nothing what u doing?....2 hrs later *NEW MSG*: oh sorry i was busy. "THEN WHY DID U TEXT ME?!?!" → If I actually did "live like there`s no tomorrow". I`d be in jail. → Looking cute in the mirror but when you take a picture, you think "What the F!" → I`m officially pirate!;) Arr... → " 1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!" → 5 more minutes of sleep really DOES matter! → "Did you do this?" "No" "Then why are you smiling ?" "Cause whoever did is a genious, thats halirous !" → If I was a bird,I know who I`d sh●t on first.(; → AwesoMe ends with Me and Ugly starts with U ;) → "awhh. u have grown so much! i remember when u were just a little babyy!" "who are u!?" → ``MOM! i can`t find it`` `` if i come up there and i`ll see it.. you`re dead`` ```...found it.." → Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. Love, WikiLeaks → `You`re tall, do you play basketaball?`...`You`re short, do you play minigolf?` → Life`s like a bird .. it`s pretty cute until it craps on your head.. → Hey, Remember When I Told You Not To Tell Anyone? Thanks For Doing The Exact Opposite... → "Hey mom, can I ...?"... "No"... "But mom please .."..."No"... "Hey dad..." → I can`t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool stuff I find.. → No no no cancel cancel no NO!! sent. SHIT! → People are funny.They spend money they haven`t earned,to buy things they don`t need,to impress people they don`t like... → Nobody can go back and start a new beginning..but anyone can start today and make a new ending.. → I hate it when I realize i was suppose to "Shake well" my drink before consuming it. And once it`s done, it`s done! I missed out on the whole experience. → That awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one`s listening, so u slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything! :) → Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty! → 8 years old: "Go to bed" "no" "why not?" "im not sleepy..5 more mins?" couple years later: "get up" "no" "why?" "I`m tired.5 more mins!" → "There`s plenty other fish in the sea."...."I`m human, why would I want to date a fish? → How I can remember a song from when I was 8, but i can`t remember for the life of me, why I went into the kitchen!