Religion Facebook Status

→ I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

→ Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

→ If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

→ The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

→ Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!

→ Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

→ I will respect any religion you practice as long as you never knock on my door to tell me about it.

→ "Until death do us part," means we will all be single in heaven, right?

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Cool Facebook Status

→ U`re going to catch a cold with the ice inside your soul ♥

→ Everyone has 3 Lives: 1) A public life 2) A private life & 3) A secret life (; LIKE if you agree!

→ LIKE if you and your best friend can say the smallest thing; start laughing and nobody knows why!

→ Old enough to know better, but too young to care.

→ People don`t change. They just become more of who they really are.

→ Why do people cheat and lie?
Because they know that it`s easier to get forgiveness than permission.

→ Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.

→ The average person tells 4 lies a day, or 1460 a year. A total of 88,000 by the age of 60. And the most common lie is: I`m Fine.

→ Sticking to your values, listening to your instincts, and making your own choices, will make you responsible.

→ It`s easy to believe someone when they tell you exactly what you want to hear.

→ "I can`t believe you don`t have a boyfriend" Well, whats so hard to believe? I`ve never been good enough for anyone, even for me.

→ I`m not afraid to try again, I`m just afraid of getting hurt for the same reason.

→ The longer the explanation, the bigger the lie.

→ The winky face always makes everything seem dirtier then it really is ;)

→ Everyone is not going to like you, just make sure the right ones do! ♥

→ If people talking about you, you must be doing something right...

→ Everything happens for a reason. The hard part is finding out what that reason is.

→ If you walk out on me without a reason, don`t come back with an excuse.

→ When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that u have a 1,000 reasons to smile :)

→ A memory is a photograph taken by the heart ♥

→ Never ignore some one,who realy cares 4 u, because some day you may realize that you have lost a Diamond,while you were collecting stones!

→ The Greatest advantage of speaking the truth is that u dont have to remember wht u said! But Lying increases ur memory power!

→ Sometimes what you want isn`t always what you get but in the end, what you get is so much better than what you had wanted.

→ Sorry is like a band aid. Just because you use it, doesn`t mean it`s gonna heal the wound.

→ Thousand friends are never too many. One enemy is never too few.

→ (Be)lieve in (you)rself

→ Nobody really cares if you`re miserable, so you might as well be happy.

→ There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book.

→ When we`re constantly wishing for something, we overlook everything we already have.

→ Remember, you`re beautiful. But keep in mind that not everyone`s gonna be able to see that.

→ Ew. Who have you become?

→ I want a REAL-ationship, Not a relation-SHIT

→ "Are you okay?" "Yeah...Just tired." The biggest lie in history.

→ Laughing so hard it works out your abs.

→ Saying sorry even though you know you didn`t do anything wrong.

→ LIKE if your birthday is on the same day u were born :D

→ Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. And never demand. Just let it be. If it`s meant to be, it will happen :)

→ The best revenge of all: Happiness. Nothing drives people crazier than seeing someone living a good life.

→ Dear "Popular kids" you may drink, smoke, drugs and think your "hard". but in 5 years,while I have a job and you don`t, I`m gonna laugh in your face

→ the minute you start caring about what other people think, is the minute you stop being yourself.

→ Everyone can make you smile, but only certain people can make you happy.

→ That instant smile when the person you wanted to text you, texts you.

→ A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures!

→ Home is the only place where u can look ugly and feel comfortable :)

→ Always be good with the good but never be bad with bad because, you can`t wash mud with mud. It`s reality if you understand.

→ People don`t change...they just learn to lie better!

→ When u wake up in the morning complete the following statement, "My Purpose is to....today."

→ Trust is like a piece of paper, once its crumpled, it can`t be perfect like the way it used to be..

→ I CAN READ YOUR MIND! 1) you`re reading this aren`t you 2) You cant say B without closing your mouth 3) LOL you just tried :)

→ I used to be normal but then i met those idiots i call my best friends.

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Movies & TV Facebook Status

→ The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

→ The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.

→ For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.

→ National Schizophrenic's Convention: Anybody who's everybody will be there!

→ Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment.

→ The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

→ We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.

→ Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the fuck was going on when I first saw it.

→ I like all of the music in my itunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.

→ I'm a fan of saying YOU'RE WELCOME really loudly when people don't thank you.

→ Spellcheck? I just type the words into Google and see if it corrects me

→ Is anyone going to tell America's Funniest Home Videos about youtube?

→ I'm not sure how the guy sitting next to me can smell so bad and still be alive

→ I don't care what your gender is. I'm going to call you "dude" either way.

→ TV reports that Egypt is "experiencing worst violence in their history". hmm. I guess no one at the broadcast station has watched 'The Mummy Returns'!

→ just wants to point out that Cinderella is living proof that shoes CAN change your life!

→ They should play porn on gas station pump tv's so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.

→ I can hear the Pink Panther theme song playing inside my head. I may or may not be getting into all kinds of mischief this afternoon.

→ When your girlfriend has Taylor Swift lyrics as her status, you know you've either done something very right or something very wrong

→ There are commercials in front of online trailers now. So I have to watch a commercial to watch a commercial?

→ Some people should come with subtitles.

→ going to the skate park to watch people fall

→ Don't ever eat rice and watch a funny show. Uncle Ben almost choked me to death.

→ I named my TV remote Waldo, you know why.

→ wow ,you know American news coverage has hit an all time low when there is an article on CNN about a kid scoring over 1000000 pts in Guitar Hero

→ All of those extreme couponers across America need to get together and propose a budget plan to the president.

→ Love is like a wind. You cannot see it, but you can feel it...

→ "Be excellent to each other." - Bill S. Esquire (Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure)

→ When I watch MTV cribs I don't feel bad about downloading music illegally.

→ Grandma knew 27 spots on the human body where she could inflict pain without leaving a mark. She was like a Ninja.

→ If anyone sees a bunch of people in their front yard tonight, don't be alarmed, were just christmas tree shopping.

→ Dear movie industry, you need to chill with the 3D movies. 3D is the equivalent of auto tune for main stream rappers. cut that shit out. signed, annoyed critics.

→ Movie theaters should serve bowls of cereal

→ You can't spell "listen" without "silent"

→ I just realized Beauty and the Beast can be summed up with two words: Stockholm Syndrome.

→ Question of the day: when was the last time that you saw a music video that was relevant to the actual song?

→ Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on

→ American Idol review. Randy is still Randy. Paula looks a little different, but seems smarter. But Kara has really let herself go! She looks awful!

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Money Facebook Status

→ A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

→ Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

→ Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

→ A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

→ A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

→ Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye.

→ It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

→ Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.

→ I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.

→ A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

→ Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

→ If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn't anything in the store is free yet?

→ America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.

→ Im so broke this New Year's I'm gonna party like it's $19.99.

→ I've finally figured out what homeless people spend their money on. It's not clothes. It's not booze. It's not food. It's sharpies and cardboard.

→ Money may not buy you happiness, but it would make it a lot easier to not be miserable.

→ Is walkin around the bank yelling:" ITS MY MONEY AND I NEED IT NOW"!!!!!!!

→ If you're denied basic rights because of your sexuality, you shouldn't have to pay taxes.

→ Why don't hoarders ever hoard money?

→ If your boyfriend gets you flowers and chocolate for Valentine's Day, it's because he was saving money to get his real girlfriend jewelry.

→ My bank lets me send a text message and it'll text back with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.

→ If I had the money I'd hire 2 private investigators to follow each other

→ I have to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too little to go by itself.

→ Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

→ Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

→ Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

→ What happens in Vegas (losing your money) stays in Vegas (all your money).

→ It's funny how the change jar slowly becomes all pennies.

→ Money can buy imitation happiness. I'm cool with that.

→ I'll have a coke please . Hhmmm is Pepsi ok ? Hhmm how about no ! Is monopoly money ok ?

→ Forgotten pocket money is the best!!

→ I found a dollar the other day. It made me so happy that I had to sit down and reevaluate my life.

→ There's nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change

→ Always hold out your hand when someone is counting money in front of you, just incase.

→ I always poop with the door open. But, I leave my seatbelt on so I don't fall out of the car. Safety first.

→ "Latte" is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

→ Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.

→ Waldo probably hides because he's behind on his child support payments.

→ To make a lot of money is my one goal in life. Turns out my laziness and lack of ambition is a really good goalie.

→ A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.

→ I’ve always wanted to be one of those people who laughs all the way to the bank, instead of one who cries every time he leaves.

→ Money doesn't buy happiness but it's a damn good down payment!

→ I miss those nights when we would stay up talking about nothing, but it meant everything.

→ Oprah makes $315,000,000/year = $26,000,000/month = $6,000,000/week = $850,000/day = $35,000/hour = $600/minute = $10/second

→ We need a new "that's what she said"

→ can you not see the sky? thats whats up

→ Need money like you don't work, hurt like you've never been loved, and watch like nobody is dancing.

→ I want to go on the "Price is Right" just to bid $4.20 on every item.

→ I'd rather hear 50 cent's take on the economy than Sarah Palin's. I bet he knows what economy means.

→ - "911, what's your emergency?" - "Quick, my dreams are dying!"

→ You know its time to start saving when your debit card declines a $1.25 purchase.

→ One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.

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Great Facebook Status

→ Bruises: 5% try to remember how they got it, 4% dont realize they have it & 90% poke it to see how much it hurts I`m 1% that does all 3

→ Do you remember when.... Blankets could protect you from anything?

→ If you don`t go after what you want, you`ll never have it.

→ Best friends: the ones that you can get mad at only for a short period of time because you have important stuff to tell them.

→ It`s funny how you can have all the friends in the world, but it just doesn`t feel right without that one person.

→ It`s strange how the shortest words, yes & no, are the ones that take the most thought.

→ A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.

→ I`m leaning on the fence between past & present tense & I`m losing all those stupid games I swore I`d never play but it almost feels okay.

→ Why don’t aliens eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

→ There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.

→ It was a small mistake, but sometimes that`s all it takes.

→ Just because you see yourself as the worst doesn`t mean that everyone sees you that way.

→ Never regret something that once made you smile, because at that time, it was exactly what you wanted.

→ A good friend takes you out of jail. A best friend is sitting in the same cell, saying "It was worth it."

→ A man who treats his woman as princess is a proof that he has been born & raised in the arms of a queen ~ Jinesh Bhagdev

→ When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change our feelings because it`s the mind that gets angry but the heart still cares.

→ I heard you say it the first time.... I just wanted to hear it again:)

→ You can`t say "everythings going to be alright" when everything is still a mess.

→ I`m not bossy - my ideas are just better than yours.

→ Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave and impossible to forget.

→ Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.

→ When You Live Every Second In Your Life, You Get 86,400 Gifts A Day.

→ Don’t laugh at those who fail, but laugh at those who don’t try

→ Don`t chase after someone. Stand still. If they want you, they`ll come running back.

→ There`s good days and bad days. Make the most of the good days and learn from the bad days.

→ 2011 = another 12 months, 52 weeks, 365 days, 8,760 hours, 525,600 minutes 3,153,600 seconds of struggle, growth, progress & experience.

→ It`s funny how one night, one second, one decision, can change your life forever

→ If you really want something you will have to work for it, nothing happens overnight.

→ Just remember: No matter who brings you down, I will bring you back up. Because that`s just what friends do.

→ The best way to gain self-confidence is to do what you are afraid to do.

→ dont worry , be happy ♥

→ Like if u think I have issues!! :)

→ happiness consists of a solid faith,good health,and a bad memory.

→ Don`t always say that there`s still time. Because there`s also a concept of "it`s too late."

→ The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.

→ It is not how it ends that matters, but the journey it takes to get there.

→ When a chance comes around, take it! NO DEMANDS, NO REGRETS , NO PROMISES. NO APOLOGIES.

→ the question isn`t will they let me? it`s how will they stop me?

→ Mistakes occur and that’s life. But repeating the same mistake over and over again? That’s stupidity.

→ Cinderella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life ♥

→ Don’t be depressed if you`re single because some people hoping that they are.

→ Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

→ Dark night + Heavy rain + Coldness + Nice blanket = Perfect sleep

→ To catch me, you gotta be fast. To find me, you gotta be smart. To be me?? You gotta be kidding!

→ Life flies by, so you have to embrace it. Forget the past, because you cannot erase it. So live the dream, and learn to chase it.

→ Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

→ Don`t lie to people, unless you are absolutely sure that they`ll never find out the truth.

→ Life is like a roller coaster, too many unexpected turns. but at the end, you just want to ride it again.

→ Yes, I`ve made mistakes... life didn`t come with instructions

→ Patient Texter: The texter that doesn`t care what the message really says. They just wanna listen to the ringtone.LIKE if that you :

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Hilarious Facebook Status

→ That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you`re shopping, and when you`re almost near the cashier, they`re not even back yet.

→ I like turtles because they`re so chill. They don`t hurt anyone. They`re just like, "Hey man, I want to swim, and maybe eat some lettuce. But I`m gonna take my time getting there, I`m not in a rush. Because I`m a turtle."

→ I did it on my bed... I did it on the couch... I did it in the car... Texting is such an obsession. ;)

→ Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

→ Is it strange if I ask my ex if I could use her as a reference on my resume for a new girlfriend?

→ Gravity... The only thing that can keep me down :)

→ Theres a fine line between tan, and looking like you rolled in doritos. :)

→ When life gives you ORANGES, stand on top of a tall building, and throw them at people. It`s fun :D

→ Einstein: Genius mind. Galileo: Great mind. Newton: Extraordinary mind. Bill Gates: Brilliant mind. Me: NEVERMIND.

→ The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it`s still on the list. :)

→ Don`t worry, ``There`s plenty of other fish in the sea.`` That`s great news, for my goldfish. But wtf am I supposed to do?

→ 9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. ツ

→ That awkward moment when someone knocks on the bathroom door.!

→ A blonde just texted me and asked "What does idk stand for? " i said " i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!!"

→ Staring at a text for fifteen minutes trying to figure out how to respond.

→ The awkwardness when you still cant understand someone after they`ve repeated themselves about 4 times.

→ A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

→ Things people say when a movie finishes in the theaters. 5% I can`t wait for the sequel. 5% that was great acting. 90% I gotta pee.

→ If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?

→ If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.

→ Home is where you can say anything you like `cause nobody listens to you anyway ;)

→ I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well thats what M.O.M stands for"

→ *NEW TXT MSG*:hey.whats up? REPLY: nothing what u doing?....2 hrs later *NEW MSG*: oh sorry i was busy. "THEN WHY DID U TEXT ME?!?!"

→ If I actually did "live like there`s no tomorrow". I`d be in jail.

→ Looking cute in the mirror but when you take a picture, you think "What the F!"

→ I`m officially pirate!;) Arr...

→ " 1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

→ 5 more minutes of sleep really DOES matter!

→ "Did you do this?" "No" "Then why are you smiling ?" "Cause whoever did is a genious, thats halirous !"

→ If I was a bird,I know who I`d sh●t on first.(;

→ AwesoMe ends with Me and Ugly starts with U ;)

→ "awhh. u have grown so much! i remember when u were just a little babyy!" "who are u!?"

→ ``MOM! i can`t find it`` `` if i come up there and i`ll see it.. you`re dead`` ```...found it.."

→ Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. Love, WikiLeaks

→ `You`re tall, do you play basketaball?`...`You`re short, do you play minigolf?`

→ Life`s like a bird .. it`s pretty cute until it craps on your head..

→ Hey, Remember When I Told You Not To Tell Anyone? Thanks For Doing The Exact Opposite...

→ "Hey mom, can I ...?"... "No"... "But mom please .."..."No"... "Hey dad..."

→ I can`t clean my room because I get distracted by the cool stuff I find..

→ No no no cancel cancel no NO!! sent. SHIT!

→ People are funny.They spend money they haven`t earned,to buy things they don`t need,to impress people they don`t like...

→ Nobody can go back and start a new beginning..but anyone can start today and make a new ending..

→ I hate it when I realize i was suppose to "Shake well" my drink before consuming it. And once it`s done, it`s done! I missed out on the whole experience.

→ That awkward moment when you start telling a story and you realize no one`s listening, so u slowly fade out and pretend you never said anything! :)

→ Sweetie, if your gonna be two-faced at least make one of them pretty!

→ 8 years old: "Go to bed" "no" "why not?" "im not sleepy..5 more mins?"
couple years later: "get up" "no" "why?" "I`m tired.5 more mins!"

→ "There`s plenty other fish in the sea."...."I`m human, why would I want to date a fish?

→ How I can remember a song from when I was 8, but i can`t remember for the life of me, why I went into the kitchen!

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Sex facebook status

→ Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

→ Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

→ Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.

→ Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

→ It's O.K. to laugh during sex ... just don't point !

→ During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

→ Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

→ Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

→ Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

→ 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

→ Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

→ According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.

→ The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

→ Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

→ Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

→ Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?

→ Taking your bra off at the end of a super long day is quite possibly one of best feelings ever.

→ If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

→ When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?

→ Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

→ Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.

→ Most women prefer sex with the lights off because they can't bear to see a man enjoying himself.

→ Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

→ Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up ?

→ Sex is like software: For every one who pays for it there are hundreds getting it for free.

→ Fifty-six percent of all women carry condoms. The other 44% carry babies.

→ Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

→ How can men use sex to get what they want? Sex IS what they want.

→ I think condoms should come with an extended warranty.

→ Wish there was a word in the dictionary for: "Your picture led me to believe you were really hot but in real life you were actually butt ugly."

→ "They" say money and sex is the root of all evil. Well I think "they" are just poor virgins

→ Did you know that if you flash your boobs to those sweet young Mormon boys they will fall right off their bicycles?

→ The only thing more awkward than buying condoms would be returning them.

→ If someone describe something as "better than sex," everything they say from then on is a lie.

→ There's no way my parents have ever had sex.

→ Sexy Mode [ON] OFF

→ Do I need a receipt to bring sexy back?

→ I could be completely naked and I'd still look less slutty than this girl.

→ No woman likes a naked man in socks.

→ Apparently "Get naked." is not the correct response for "Anything else I can do for you today?" from the hot female store clerk.

→ Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's good. When it's bad, it's still petty good.

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